IT'S FINALLY EASY BEING GREEN
In a fit of rage/femininity, a good friend once put up an away message that said if she saw someone with a love for Celtics and Beach Boys, she would rip his balls off. Now, I could have easily said if I saw someone with a love for jam bands and putting up memorable away messages, I would twist her nipples, but I didn’t, and for one simple reason: I just thought of it now.
But I think this lovely anecdote establishes one thing: I do have a love for the Celtics. And as one with a love for Celtics, this is about as exciting as it gets right now. When I moved back to New England from Los Angeles last year, I reasoned that I may be ruining my shot at any kind of career, and I may be throwing away some second and third chances at things in life I’d never get again…but at least I’d have Dunkin Donuts, and maybe the Celtics would win one while I was there to see it. Not alive, just in New England. I’m not dying or anything. I hope. That would really suck, if I died after writing this. How stupid would I look? Here’s hoping I don’t. Knock on wood. *Knock*.
And here we are, June 2008, and the Boston Celtics are facing the Los Angeles Lakers of Hell in the NBA Finals. This is the ultimate. This is getting stuck in an elevator with Mike Love and Brian Wilson. This is going on a weekend to Cambria with the girl that got away. This is finding a broken meter with no one-hour restriction. This is the chance to go back in time, to my childhood, and see the one last thing I as a young sports fan never got to see: Banner 17.
In a way, it’s eerily fitting. Even if the Celtics lose, it’s still a Celtics-Lakers Finals. If fate says, “Hey, let’s fuck with that guy!” and takes me to another city, how could I argue the timing? I finally got to see the Big One. What more is there to relish? I would have experienced the greatest trivial pleasure possible, seeing the Celtics finally go all the way, making all those nights watching Todd Day, Dana Barros, Travis Knight and Mark Blount worth it. It would be the coolest of the cool.
Some people ask me, “Douchebag, how cool would it really be for the Celtics to win a title?” Well, U. Jerkowitz, it’s hard to fathom. It’s pretty much impossible to list six specific examples of trivial and unlikely transpirations that would tickle my so-called fancy similarly. What? You want to hear six specific examples? Oh, come on. I don’t have time for that! The younger people in the audience would probably just be bored!
Okay, by show of genitalia, how many people out there really want to see some examples of things that would rival the Celtics winning a championship? Whoa! That’s a lot of privates going up! Okay, here now, is a list of things that would come close:
A Health Benefit from Soda: Think about it. Everything else has a good one. People say drinking red wine can make you live longer. Smoking pot can be used for medicinal purposes. There’s even a study that says smoking cigarettes lowers the risk of getting Alzheimer’s—probably due to the fact you’d never live long enough to get Alzheimer’s. But why can’t there be anything good about drinking soda? Like, drinking soda makes you hear awesome, or drinking soda is great for your nads. And if you’re a woman, the nads-benefit can be passed over to your husband/boyfriend through bodacious banging. Nothing’s hotter than some Cherry Coke and a romp.
My Piss Can Fuel Cars: How great would this be? With gas prices at an all-time high, we could all benefit from some Jon urine making that car go vroom. The prices would be lower, but only ladies would have a self-serve option/mandate. I’d be making money hand over fist. I’d never jack up the prices. And there’d never be a fuel shortage, on account of the soda-drinking. Hey, a good thing about drinking soda! That’s a two-for, my friends.
Andy Kaufman is Still Alive: This would be pretty cool. Not just because a legendary comedian would essentially be back from the dead, but it would prove something I’ve theorized for a long time: at least one famous person thought dead has to still be alive. With all the money they have, and all the resources available to them, it’s naïve to think at least one of them wouldn’t be able to fake his own death.
Andy Rooney is Still Alive: This would also be pretty cool. Not just because a legendary broadcaster would essentially be back from the dead, but it would prove something I’ve theorized for a long time: at least one 60 Minutes guy has to still be alive. With all the money they have, and all the resources available to them, it’s naïve to think at least one of them wouldn’t be able to fake his own death.
Drew Barrymore Dumps the Mac Guy: Seriously, screw that dude. Why is she dating him? If it’s dorky, skinny guys she’s after, you’d think she could do better. Maybe somebody who hasn’t thrown up in nearly eight years. Perhaps somebody who can name every WWF champion from Bob Backlund all the way to Diesel. Possibly someone who has twice seen a police horse running down the street with no policeman on top. And don’t forget, his dong could make your car go.
The Beach Boys Reunite: Think about it: an album of new material, featuring contemporary artists. Do like Santana, and release a couple singles. Steven Page could take over a lead written for Carl, and Amy Winehouse could snort some coke purchased by Dennis. It would be another impossible becoming a possible, and my balls would never be prouder—on, or ripped off.
But I think this lovely anecdote establishes one thing: I do have a love for the Celtics. And as one with a love for Celtics, this is about as exciting as it gets right now. When I moved back to New England from Los Angeles last year, I reasoned that I may be ruining my shot at any kind of career, and I may be throwing away some second and third chances at things in life I’d never get again…but at least I’d have Dunkin Donuts, and maybe the Celtics would win one while I was there to see it. Not alive, just in New England. I’m not dying or anything. I hope. That would really suck, if I died after writing this. How stupid would I look? Here’s hoping I don’t. Knock on wood. *Knock*.
And here we are, June 2008, and the Boston Celtics are facing the Los Angeles Lakers of Hell in the NBA Finals. This is the ultimate. This is getting stuck in an elevator with Mike Love and Brian Wilson. This is going on a weekend to Cambria with the girl that got away. This is finding a broken meter with no one-hour restriction. This is the chance to go back in time, to my childhood, and see the one last thing I as a young sports fan never got to see: Banner 17.
In a way, it’s eerily fitting. Even if the Celtics lose, it’s still a Celtics-Lakers Finals. If fate says, “Hey, let’s fuck with that guy!” and takes me to another city, how could I argue the timing? I finally got to see the Big One. What more is there to relish? I would have experienced the greatest trivial pleasure possible, seeing the Celtics finally go all the way, making all those nights watching Todd Day, Dana Barros, Travis Knight and Mark Blount worth it. It would be the coolest of the cool.
Some people ask me, “Douchebag, how cool would it really be for the Celtics to win a title?” Well, U. Jerkowitz, it’s hard to fathom. It’s pretty much impossible to list six specific examples of trivial and unlikely transpirations that would tickle my so-called fancy similarly. What? You want to hear six specific examples? Oh, come on. I don’t have time for that! The younger people in the audience would probably just be bored!
Okay, by show of genitalia, how many people out there really want to see some examples of things that would rival the Celtics winning a championship? Whoa! That’s a lot of privates going up! Okay, here now, is a list of things that would come close:
A Health Benefit from Soda: Think about it. Everything else has a good one. People say drinking red wine can make you live longer. Smoking pot can be used for medicinal purposes. There’s even a study that says smoking cigarettes lowers the risk of getting Alzheimer’s—probably due to the fact you’d never live long enough to get Alzheimer’s. But why can’t there be anything good about drinking soda? Like, drinking soda makes you hear awesome, or drinking soda is great for your nads. And if you’re a woman, the nads-benefit can be passed over to your husband/boyfriend through bodacious banging. Nothing’s hotter than some Cherry Coke and a romp.
My Piss Can Fuel Cars: How great would this be? With gas prices at an all-time high, we could all benefit from some Jon urine making that car go vroom. The prices would be lower, but only ladies would have a self-serve option/mandate. I’d be making money hand over fist. I’d never jack up the prices. And there’d never be a fuel shortage, on account of the soda-drinking. Hey, a good thing about drinking soda! That’s a two-for, my friends.
Andy Kaufman is Still Alive: This would be pretty cool. Not just because a legendary comedian would essentially be back from the dead, but it would prove something I’ve theorized for a long time: at least one famous person thought dead has to still be alive. With all the money they have, and all the resources available to them, it’s naïve to think at least one of them wouldn’t be able to fake his own death.
Andy Rooney is Still Alive: This would also be pretty cool. Not just because a legendary broadcaster would essentially be back from the dead, but it would prove something I’ve theorized for a long time: at least one 60 Minutes guy has to still be alive. With all the money they have, and all the resources available to them, it’s naïve to think at least one of them wouldn’t be able to fake his own death.
Drew Barrymore Dumps the Mac Guy: Seriously, screw that dude. Why is she dating him? If it’s dorky, skinny guys she’s after, you’d think she could do better. Maybe somebody who hasn’t thrown up in nearly eight years. Perhaps somebody who can name every WWF champion from Bob Backlund all the way to Diesel. Possibly someone who has twice seen a police horse running down the street with no policeman on top. And don’t forget, his dong could make your car go.
The Beach Boys Reunite: Think about it: an album of new material, featuring contemporary artists. Do like Santana, and release a couple singles. Steven Page could take over a lead written for Carl, and Amy Winehouse could snort some coke purchased by Dennis. It would be another impossible becoming a possible, and my balls would never be prouder—on, or ripped off.
CAUSE & EFFECT
I've spent plenty of time already talking about this Celtics-Lakers Finals, but I know you're probably saying, "Jerkwad, how does this affect me?" Well, here now is a Cause & Effect breakdown of the Celtics-Lakers Final:
CAUSE: BankNorth Garden poised to raise a championship banner.
EFFECT: Arena officials excited about the prospect of boasting an achievement not related to elevator certification.
CAUSE: Kobe Bryant to spend a week in the biggest college town in America.
EFFECT: Bryant’s wife hires Bill Belichick to follow and tape the bastard.
CAUSE: Finals played in state where gambling is prohibited.
EFFECT: Refs forced to place bets at Twin River.
CAUSE: Lakers fan Jack Nicholson razzed by Celtics fans.
EFFECT: Celtics fan Donnie Wahlberg razzed by Lakers and Celtics fans.
CAUSE: Celtics ready Duck Boats for possible victory parade.
EFFECT: Due to high gas prices, boats to be pushed by members of the Bruins.
CAUSE: Pau Gasol poised to team with Kobe for the long-haul.
EFFECT: Gasol becomes prime example of foreigner willing to do a job most Americans won’t.
EFFECT: Bryant’s wife hires Bill Belichick to follow and tape the bastard.
CAUSE: Finals played in state where gambling is prohibited.
EFFECT: Refs forced to place bets at Twin River.
CAUSE: Lakers fan Jack Nicholson razzed by Celtics fans.
EFFECT: Celtics fan Donnie Wahlberg razzed by Lakers and Celtics fans.
CAUSE: Celtics ready Duck Boats for possible victory parade.
EFFECT: Due to high gas prices, boats to be pushed by members of the Bruins.
CAUSE: Pau Gasol poised to team with Kobe for the long-haul.
EFFECT: Gasol becomes prime example of foreigner willing to do a job most Americans won’t.
- - - JONOLOGUE - - -
In London, a group of emos held a demonstration, at which they stated that not all emos are suicidal, unfortunately.
I had a brutal weekend. I went to see that movie The Strangers; halfway through, my date stands up and yells, “Where’s Balki?”
A panel of researchers is saying that new drugs and scientific breakthroughs are on the way that could drastically increase human life expectancy. In fact, they say Lindsay Lohan could live to be as old as 26.
Ratings for this year’s Stanley Cup Finals were up 79%. Sadly, the mullet rate has remained the same.
A recent study shows that 70% of British people are cremated. And half of them are then snorted by Amy Winehouse.
A restaurant in Detroit has introduced a new 134-pound hamburger. It’s called the “Absolutely Ridiculous Burger,” which I believe is followed by the “Totally Predictable Coronary.”
The Florida Marlins have introduced a new plus-sized cheerleading squad comprised completely of fat guys. Earlier today, each one of the guys tested positive for Twinkies.
Police were investigating allegations that somebody drugged Britney Spears. The number one suspect: Britney Spears.
A British study has found the number of adults who have trouble with basic arithmetic is one in four—or, 20%.
The value of gold and silver continues to soar to record highs. In fact, the most expensive piece of real estate on the market: Flavor Flav’s mouth.
A new study shows that in the U.S., one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. To which R. Kelly said, “You’re welcome!”
A British company has created a security device that sees right through people’s clothes. And because it’s British, it comes with a warning: Do Not Point Directly at Camilla.
-Reuters
In an NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, 45% of voters said they now view former President Bill Clinton in a negative light, while 42% see him in a positive one. In fact, Bill’s popularity is so low, he’s having to settle for skinny chicks.
In Ness City, Kansas, officials discovered a woman who had been sitting on her boyfriend’s toilet for as long as two years. They said this was either a horrible case of abuse, or the result of a misguided trip to the Wienerschnitzel.
According to Paula Abdul, Bob Dylan wore a disguise to sneak into multiple tapings of American Idol. The scary part: Bob Dylan and Sanjaya—have never been seen at the same time.
China has warned that for the Olympics, cabs cannot be driven by anyone with red hair or excessive jewelry, which is really bad news for this cabbie: http://www.sitcomsonline.com/nickatnitetvlandpromos/threescompanyphotogallery/openingcredits/openingcredits-lindley-04.jpg
A former doctor could be sentenced to as much as 50 years in prison after pleading guilty to stealing body parts from corpses. The worst part? His legal feels could cost him an arm and a leg.
I had a brutal weekend. I went to see that movie The Strangers; halfway through, my date stands up and yells, “Where’s Balki?”
A panel of researchers is saying that new drugs and scientific breakthroughs are on the way that could drastically increase human life expectancy. In fact, they say Lindsay Lohan could live to be as old as 26.
Ratings for this year’s Stanley Cup Finals were up 79%. Sadly, the mullet rate has remained the same.
A recent study shows that 70% of British people are cremated. And half of them are then snorted by Amy Winehouse.
A restaurant in Detroit has introduced a new 134-pound hamburger. It’s called the “Absolutely Ridiculous Burger,” which I believe is followed by the “Totally Predictable Coronary.”
The Florida Marlins have introduced a new plus-sized cheerleading squad comprised completely of fat guys. Earlier today, each one of the guys tested positive for Twinkies.
Police were investigating allegations that somebody drugged Britney Spears. The number one suspect: Britney Spears.
A British study has found the number of adults who have trouble with basic arithmetic is one in four—or, 20%.
The value of gold and silver continues to soar to record highs. In fact, the most expensive piece of real estate on the market: Flavor Flav’s mouth.
A new study shows that in the U.S., one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. To which R. Kelly said, “You’re welcome!”
A British company has created a security device that sees right through people’s clothes. And because it’s British, it comes with a warning: Do Not Point Directly at Camilla.
-Reuters
In an NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, 45% of voters said they now view former President Bill Clinton in a negative light, while 42% see him in a positive one. In fact, Bill’s popularity is so low, he’s having to settle for skinny chicks.
In Ness City, Kansas, officials discovered a woman who had been sitting on her boyfriend’s toilet for as long as two years. They said this was either a horrible case of abuse, or the result of a misguided trip to the Wienerschnitzel.
According to Paula Abdul, Bob Dylan wore a disguise to sneak into multiple tapings of American Idol. The scary part: Bob Dylan and Sanjaya—have never been seen at the same time.
China has warned that for the Olympics, cabs cannot be driven by anyone with red hair or excessive jewelry, which is really bad news for this cabbie: http://www.sitcomsonline.com/nickatnitetvlandpromos/threescompanyphotogallery/openingcredits/openingcredits-lindley-04.jpg
A former doctor could be sentenced to as much as 50 years in prison after pleading guilty to stealing body parts from corpses. The worst part? His legal feels could cost him an arm and a leg.
No comments:
Post a Comment